Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.