my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
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“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
that de-escalated quickly
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then