My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
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No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
<- sleeps well with others
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.