Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

Yep.

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly