My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
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Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law