My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
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Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
That time Alicia messaged me
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?