Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.