my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Fiction has to make sense.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
just witnessed a drug deal
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
