my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
sistine chapel
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
