my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
weddings should have a worst man
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
