My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
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i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I used the label maker
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?