*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
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[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Extremely relatable.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
A family that plays together cheats.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.