*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
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My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I don’t get marriage
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?