*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
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I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Taking phone security to the next level.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
When I laugh on my period
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy