Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.