Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

Trumpy Cat

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

My love language is hissing.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

I see your IQ test came back negative