My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
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Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I’m putting together a team
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*