Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

I think this should do it.