My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
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a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
This poor dog
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.