Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Meow?

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

is there nothing we can trust anymore

Priorities

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away