Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That de-escalated quickly

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

Hmm 🧐

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office