Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

Ok, but like, how married are you?

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.