Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Me too 😆

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!