My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus