My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
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ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*