Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

Poetry is my passion

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

🤣

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

kevin is now a local weatherman