My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
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Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.