Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”