My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
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I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree