My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
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They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Bobby pin
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
nyc:
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there