My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
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One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
The funk soul brother
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?