My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
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If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games