My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
the best thing i’ve ever made
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
