My son ππ½ββοΈwas SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” π I told him they were water. π¦ Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. βPwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.β
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Message from the dog groomers
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
The word βlovelyβ is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
βYou know what? Iβll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.β
