My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Is….Is this an option?
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
