My son ππ½ββοΈwas SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” π I told him they were water. π¦ Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, youβre terrible at this.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[being murdered]
Me: Youβre going to somehow ruin this, arenβt you?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter βlight as a feather, stiff as a boardβ while I do it.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
βEvery action has an equal and opposite reaction.β
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
βMeat Loaf?β she asked.
βYes,β I replied, between the tears. βCan we have baked potatoes too?β
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
