My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
2022 be like
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
