My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
