My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Awwwww shit.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
who’s gonna tell her?
