My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Perfect.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
LMAO.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Bruh
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
