My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
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“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
BRO LMFAO
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.