@Parkerlawyer

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

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@_NTFG_

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

@merestromb

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

@FrazzleMyGimp

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

@thenatewolf

*Slides a five across the bar*

Bartender: Did you… Did you break this off our sign out front?

Me: (Confidently) tap water please.

@littlelady899

When someone says “Happy New Years” I wonder, how many years are they talking about?

@abbycohenwl

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

@CopernicusG

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

@JennyJohnsonHi5

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim