My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
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I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!