Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes