My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
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Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”