My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
You Might Also Like
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Poetry is my passion
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.