By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
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I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
this is what they would have looked like, though
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Raisins are grape jerky.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.