Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

time machine? you mean a clock?

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.