My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
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(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.