Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

Is fructose made with real fruct?

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?