Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

i just found this in my phone

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter