My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
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I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer