My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
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Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?