my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
The Compass
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”