Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview