Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
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I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
New tinder profile pic
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
This raises questions
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.