Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.