My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
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[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
eating my hot dog hamburger style
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.