It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
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Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.