My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
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Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
you can only post this today
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.