Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

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The Chosen Phew

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.