Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

me: lol THAT’S your sword?

enemy: this blade can cut through steel

me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.