Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

☺️

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman