My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
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And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
No, I don’t think I will.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.