Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

thats my bad

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

grocery bagger: paper or plastic?

me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.

pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”