Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

I’m not proud

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

phew

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr