Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.