Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

My birthstone is pecan pie.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.