Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

Woke up against my better judgment again

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.