Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.