My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
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Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.