My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
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I triple waxed for this?
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Bro what is this
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
This headline is a thing of beauty
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
cry laughing at this shit
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?