My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
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I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
drew a comic about my origin story
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
This squirrel eats better than I do
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.