My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
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Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time