My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene